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The concepts of reward and punishment are used to communicate with children and to provide discipline. And to what extent are parents being right about this? Reward and penalty should be given? Answers to these questions ELELE Child Young and Adult Counseling Center Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Gencer Giving.
What is the reward and punishment?
Reward and punishment are actually concepts that already exist in life. Our behavior has natural consequences. Our experience with these results allows us to determine which behaviors we can abandon and which to continue. What should be the dose and balance of the reward and punishment so that when the child grows up, he can come to the conclusion that “reward and punishment are naturally present in life.. Not with too much or too little reward or penalty expectations; not always as appreciation and approval expectations or more punitive than authority; so that he can continue his life by understanding the concepts of reward and punishment with the right balance in life. So I want to say: doesn't a person steal because I go to jail or because the steal will intrinsically disturb him ?; or does he help his friend with an inner peace of righteousness, or does he help me with the thought that if I help him then? Does a person stop at a red light so that the police do not impose a punishment, or because he internalized why a red light should not be passed?
Candy chocolate usually comes to mind when you say the reward, punishment in the past beating or one-foot punishment would come, but now comes the room penalty. Both reward and punishment are for the same purpose: değiştirmek To change negative behavior and to place positive behavior ”. But let's see what happens when this is done with punishment:
The punishment is defined in the dictionary as: “Suffering or suffering from a crime or misconduct”. In other words, punishment does not involve correcting the wrong, but making it suffer.
So why punish?
Parents sometimes say: çocuklar If we don't punish children, they will do all kinds of mischief ”,“ Sometimes I am so desperate that there is nothing else I can do ”, orum I punish my child because he only understands this language”.
When parents were asked, nasıl How would you feel when you were sentenced as a child? Lar they answered: dim I hated my mother, I thought she was a disgusting woman, and then I felt guilty about it. ” , Dim I wish I was very sick and dying, and I imagined my parents would be very upset about what they did. ”, Üm I thought I would do the same thing again, but this time I wouldn't get caught.”
So the feelings aroused by the punishment are: hatred, revenge, denial, guilt, self-pity, fear and insecurity…
Let's look at the other consequences of the sentence:
** Distracts the penalty, does not stop the behavior. I think there is no place for punishment in a healthy and warm parent-child relationship. Punishment is useless because punishment distracts the child rather than thinking about what the child is doing and perceiving the consequences. The boy tries to excuse himself, “but you always yell at me, but that's why it happened”; or how he can avenge it. So “distracted”.
** Punishment does not give internal discipline, it only provides external control (maybe for a while)
** The payment of a debt, which is the equivalent of the criminal, is seen as clearance of a crime. If the money is paid, it can be done again.
** Punishment is seen as dominating the weak and the strong. The first thing the child will always do is to show his strength to the weaker.
** Punishment affects the self-esteem of the child negatively. Our children aren't summerboards that we can use as we wish.
** Punishment only makes the parent feel better, especially when it comes to beatings; the beating provides a primitive tapping motive to discharge, for a while tabi
** If the parent cannot find another method, he will be punished, but this does not indicate the need of the child but the helplessness of the parent.
** Punishment implies the establishment of a healthy parent-child relationship. The child does a negative behavior, the mother punishes, the child becomes angry, repeats the behavior in order to anger the mother again and thus to avenge her in a way that she is not even aware of, the mother punishes again, thus forming a vicious circle.
So should our child never learn the consequences of negative behavior? NATURAL RESULTS OF BEHAVIOR:
NATURAL RESULTS OF BEHAVIOR:
Of course, behaviors have natural consequences. If we give him the opportunity, the child can learn these results by themselves. For example,
hands of the child who does not wear his gloves will get cold,
the child is left alone after a while
the child who breaks his toy can never play with that toy again,
(or a positive natural outcome) the child can gibi behave like an adult den before helping him to collect the table, and he will enjoy it first,
We can give children the opportunity to experience these natural consequences themselves. But not like this: “Look, I told you, if you don't listen to me because you're wearing your gloves” This is again a dominating discourse that arouses anger and guilt in the child. The child can hang on to it and if he is a child in need of a little more control, he will not be able to put on gloves again… Or adem if you broke your toy, no more toy ”… Here is the key point: Keeping our anger out of the situation is very important to tell the situation ...
LOGICAL RESULTS OF BEHAVIOR:
We cannot allow some behavior to occur naturally. Of course, we can't let the boy get hit by a car to learn to cross the street. Logical results are the results that you set, which relate to the child's behavior. A child cannot understand why he cannot watch television because he does not eat, but he understands better why he cannot watch the next day when he does not turn off the TV on time. A child who spills detergent on the floor or paints the wall may need to do some part of the cleaning job - depending on his age tabi A child who does not behave properly during the grocery shopping may not be taken to the grocery store the next time the reason is explained. (Of course, we need to make sure that the child knows what it is to behave properly: orum I want you to behave properly in the market, what does that mean - you can walk without running in the market and you can only take two things ”)”
When using logical results you need to think about the following points:
* What may be the underlying causes of repeated behavior?
* Can we, as parents, not be consistent about television?
* was I able to communicate correctly?
* If you make a warning before the behavior continues after the warning then you need to apply. In You didn't turn off the TV on time today and I was very angry at it, and if the same thing happens tomorrow, you won't be able to watch the next day ””
Next Week: Award concept and results will be on these pages…
Sources: Communication with Children, Adele Faber-Elaine Mazlish
Collaborating with Your Child, Elizabeth Pantley